As I Turn 20

Maybe treat myself a little different. 

Few minutes before I turn 20, I recall all the memories that I've been through. Every single birthday seemed so special but still left a scar and void for every nights that I've questioned who truly loves me. 

Have I ever felt so special in life that I longed for it every day? I yearn for a love that lasts and doesn't leave you questioning your self-worth as if you really deserve the love that you've been given.

I always ask for something that I don't even know. Having this strong sense of feeling, do irrevocable actions that I would probably regret later. I thank myself for being so overthinking for every little things that probably don't matter to other people. 

I have somehow, a huge crush to an individual who probably won't notice me in a crowd. Definitely my type, if I must say. Well, I'll just probably admire him from afar. I regret being so curious that day. Now, I'm back again to being a hopeless romantic. Yeah, I won’t probably die not holding your hand in this lifetime.

I've lost count of how many times I've pleaded and ask God for some divine intervention that would make me meet a cute, tall, and smart guy that would treat me dearly and lovingly in this lifetime. I've been waiting for so long, when will I meet that one. Well, come on, who am I to ask when I am nothing? I don’t love myself yet. Someone who feels so less doesn't deserve a love of someone who's whole. I'll probably break them, right? I'm being selfish for wanting for a love that I cannot probably give yet. It's just the thought, I wanted someone to cherish me, while I do nothing. That's so messed up.

It just stems from me feeling so ugly every fucking single day. I've tried doing angles in front of my camera, trying to capture the beauty that I fail to see. They tell me I'm beautiful but why don't they approach me? Easy, because I am not really beautiful. Hence, aren't attractive too.

Well, what else can I do? I should really work on myself. I have to treat myself a little different, someone who's more gentle to herself. Being hard to yourself is an obstacle that's hard to pass through if you keep on downplaying yourself. Yeah, word vomit. Circling to it, over and over. On a serious note, you should really work on taking care of your self. To have a slim body that you want and a face that glows to you. It won't be that hard as long as you have discipline. That's indeed you needed to work on.

As you turn 20, having to live for two decades is such a feat! You should do what makes you happy. Avoid getting warped on fantasies and ideal realities that you wished to live on. Make your own direction, do everything that you love the most. Make your own happiness. Live and love dearly, the people around you definitely cherishes you. Take a deep breath, breaks are inevitable but you'll still be able to surpass it. 

Now, few minutes before you officially turn 20, I hope that you'll treat yourself a little different. Be kind, extra gentle to your own. You being against yourself makes it hard for you to progress. You've been always so self-aware that it hurts how you keep yourself from loving your own. As a wake up call, yourself turning 20 hopefully makes a difference and be a turning point where you'll keep on looking forward to the next days you'll live by.

Happy birthday, Mikaella. You are loved and will be loved by someone you've been looking for. Not yet today, but eventually it will come. The spark that you've been looking for is always within you. You just have to acknowledge it!